Interesting FAQS and snarky pseudo-scientific
gossip about Mers
by Juna Lee Poinfax
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BODIES OF WATER: The three primary oceans – Pacific, Atlantic,
and Indian, combined with their junior buds such as the Mediterranean,
Arctic, Antarctic oceans, and others, aka Oceanus to Mers, cover 70 percent
of the Earth’s surface and fill the vast majority of the globe’s spherical
surface volume. In other words, land-based critters are like the Hindu
cashier in the corner convenience store outside Shreveport. Not exactly
a majority, you dig? Over 95 percent of the planet’s recorded species live
in Oceanus. Only about one percent of this vast World Ocean has been mapped
and explored by human eyes. Well, by Lander eyes, at any rate. Mers can
tell you things about the Deep that would curl your butt hairs. Just consider
the possibilities that things you never suspected can exist out yonder
in the briny deep: The average ocean depth worldwide is two miles;
the deepest known ocean depth on Earth is a canyon in the Mariana
Trench, Pacific Ocean, near Guam, where the ocean floor is over
seven miles below the surface. If you sank Mount Everest into the Mariana
Trench, the Trench would pat it on the head and say, “What a cute little
hill.”
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SPECIES: It is estimated by Lander scientists that vast numbers
of unknown marine species are yet to be discovered in the oceans. An understatement.
Landers don’t even know they’re not the only kind of humans on the planet.
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BREATHING: The average Lander can only hold his/her breath underwater
for a few minutes; Mers can remain submerged for a minimum of two hours.
How do Mers do this? Various physiological processes are involved, but
in lay terms, it boils down to this: just like whales and other marine
mammals, Mers hoard oxygen. Mers are the Federal Reserve of oxygen bankers.
We also conserve heat and take to cold temps like a, well, a fish to water.
Cross-section our subcutaneous fat and you’ll find a layer of cellulite
so dense not even a bulimic sorority girl could puke it out of her system.
We are insulated, baby. As long as the water’s not frozen, we’re happy
and chillin’.
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EVIDENCE OF EXISTENCE: Mer people can’t really exist. It’s genetically
impossible, you say? Oh right, Darwin breath. Considering the huge gaps
in scientific documentation of humanoid stepping stones in the staircase
of homo sapiens, and the sparse theories based on bits and pieces of primate
and hominid fossils scattered over thousands of years, for all Landers
know they could have ancient cousins who are bunny-eared mutant rabbit
people. Alternative theories abound about the possibilities of semi-aquatic
homo sapiens (casually described under the pseudo scientific name, home aquaticus.) So why haven’t archaeologists found evidence of a single web-toed
aquatic humanoid? BECAUSE THE EVIDENCE IS ALL UNDERWATER. Like, duh.
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DEPTH: Using compressed air (scuba tanks) Landers can only descend
at most 500 feet below the surface (and that’s stretching it – after about
a hundred feet most Lander scuba divers go into a rapturous death trance
because their blood gases are in deep sea-doo). Mers, on the other flipper,
often comfortably explore the waters at depths of a half mile or more,
with the record being set by British Mer Sir Phineas Argo Bonswith, who
dived down at least 5,000 feet in the icy North Atlantic to retrieve a
fumbled champagne bottle on a dare; when he surfaced, triumphant, his luxury
ride, the S.S. Titantic, had sailed on without him. Sir Bonswith disgustedly
swam back to England. In 2003 his daughter, Lady Penelope Bonswith Sirgade,
sold the empty champagne bottle on e-bay to a Mer collector, for 30,000
dollars.
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FLYING: Why can’t Mers fly in airplanes easily, i.e. what’s
the deal with Mer altitude sickness? It’s all about handling the pressure,
baby. Oh, not the pressure of picking out the perfect Jimmy Wongo slingbacks
to match a new summer frock – that’s a given, natch, but air pressure,
you know (yawn-from- lack-of-oxygen.) Landers get the bends when they dive
too deep below sea level. Mers, who could happily survive in a (well-decorated)
cave at the ass-bottom of the briny deep, get their own version of the
bends when forced into the skies. I mean, if God had meant for Mers to
fly he’d have given us webbed armpits instead of toes, right? Anyway, put
us in your average commercial jet and we’ll be laying in the aisle moaning.
Not just because the airline’s showing yet another Jennifer Lopez movie,
but because every joint in our body hurts and we want to upchuck our dinner
lobster into the nearest carry-on tote. Mers who insist on
flying do so in specially pressurized jets. Put a Lander on such an aeronautical
high-pressure ride and he’d curl up in a gasping, fetal ball. Like
my reaction to an Emenem CD. Excruciating.
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PSYCHIC ILLUSION: So what’s the deal with this “psychic illusion”
card trick by which Landers only see whatever Mers tell them to see? Look,
it’s simple: Landers are gullible. Evidence: They believe celebrities are
innocent and politicians are honest. Let Simon Colwell (a Mer on his father’s
side,) tell them a scrawny nobody who sings like one of the Bee Gees on
helium deserves to be the next American Idol, and they’ll believe it. Tell
them the A tickets at Disney World are worth the price, and they’ll believe
it. Tell them electronic voting machines can’t possibly jerry-rig elections
faster than a Haitian poll officer with a pack of number two pencils, and
they’ll believe it. Landers: Gullible with a capital Gull.
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