Interesting FAQS and snarky pseudo-scientific gossip about Mers
by
Juna Lee Poinfax
- BODIES OF WATER: The three primary oceans – Pacific,
Atlantic, and Indian, combined with their junior buds such as the
Mediterranean, Arctic, Antarctic oceans, and others, aka Oceanus to
Mers, cover 70 percent of the Earth’s surface and fill the vast majority
of the globe’s spherical surface volume. In other words, land-based
critters are like the Hindu cashier in the corner convenience store
outside Shreveport. Not exactly a majority, you dig? Over 95 percent of
the planet’s recorded species live in Oceanus. Only about one percent of
this vast World Ocean has been mapped and explored by human eyes. Well,
by Lander eyes, at any rate. Mers can tell you things about the Deep
that would curl your butt hairs. Just consider the possibilities that
things you never suspected can exist out yonder in the briny deep: The
average ocean depth worldwide is two miles; the deepest known
ocean depth on Earth is a canyon in the Mariana Trench, Pacific Ocean, near Guam, where
the ocean floor is over seven miles below the surface. If you sank Mount
Everest into the Mariana Trench, the Trench would pat it on the head and
say, “What a cute little hill.”
- SPECIES: It is estimated by Lander scientists that vast
numbers of unknown marine species are yet to be discovered in the
oceans. An understatement. Landers don’t even know they’re not the only
kind of humans on the planet.
- BREATHING: The average Lander can only hold his/her breath
underwater for a few minutes; Mers can remain submerged for a minimum of
two hours. How do Mers do this? Various physiological processes are
involved, but in lay terms, it boils down to this: just like whales and
other marine mammals, Mers hoard oxygen. Mers are the Federal Reserve of
oxygen bankers. We also conserve heat and take to cold temps like a,
well, a fish to water. Cross-section our subcutaneous fat and you’ll
find a layer of cellulite so dense not even a bulimic sorority girl
could puke it out of her system. We are insulated, baby. As long
as the water’s not frozen, we’re happy and chillin’.
- EVIDENCE OF EXISTENCE: Mer people can’t really exist. It’s
genetically impossible, you say? Oh right, Darwin breath. Considering
the huge gaps in scientific documentation of humanoid stepping stones in
the staircase of homo sapiens, and the sparse theories based on bits and
pieces of primate and hominid fossils scattered over thousands of years,
for all Landers know they could have ancient cousins who are bunny-eared
mutant rabbit people. Alternative theories abound about the
possibilities of semi-aquatic homo sapiens (casually described under the
pseudo scientific name, home aquaticus.) So why haven’t archaeologists
found evidence of a single web-toed aquatic humanoid? BECAUSE THE
EVIDENCE IS ALL UNDERWATER. Like, duh.
- DEPTH: Using compressed air (scuba tanks) Landers can only
descend at most 500 feet below the surface (and that’s stretching it –
after about a hundred feet most Lander scuba divers go into a rapturous
death trance because their blood gases are in deep sea-doo). Mers, on
the other flipper, often comfortably explore the waters at depths of a
half mile or more, with the record being set by British Mer Sir Phineas
Argo Bonswith, who dived down at least 5,000 feet in the icy North
Atlantic to retrieve a fumbled champagne bottle on a dare; when he
surfaced, triumphant, his luxury ride, the S.S. Titantic, had sailed on
without him. Sir Bonswith disgustedly swam back to England. In 2003 his
daughter, Lady Penelope Bonswith Sirgade, sold the empty champagne
bottle on e-bay to a Mer collector, for 30,000 dollars.
- FLYING: Why can’t Mers fly in airplanes easily, i.e.
what’s the deal with Mer altitude sickness? It’s all about handling the
pressure, baby. Oh, not the pressure of picking out the perfect Jimmy
Wongo slingbacks to match a new summer frock – that’s a given, natch,
but air pressure, you know (yawn-from- lack-of-oxygen.) Landers
get the bends when they dive too deep below sea level. Mers, who could
happily survive in a (well-decorated) cave at the ass-bottom of the
briny deep, get their own version of the bends when forced into the
skies. I mean, if God had meant for Mers to fly he’d have given us
webbed armpits instead of toes, right? Anyway, put us in your average
commercial jet and we’ll be laying in the aisle moaning. Not just
because the airline’s showing yet another Jennifer Lopez movie, but
because every joint in our body hurts and we want to upchuck our dinner
lobster into the nearest carry-on tote. Mers who insist on
flying do so in specially pressurized jets. Put a Lander on such an
aeronautical high-pressure ride and he’d curl up in a gasping, fetal
ball. Like my reaction to an Emenem CD. Excruciating.
- PSYCHIC ILLUSION: So what’s the deal with this “psychic
illusion” card trick by which Landers only see whatever Mers tell them
to see? Look, it’s simple: Landers are gullible. Evidence: They believe
celebrities are innocent and politicians are honest. Let Simon Colwell
(a Mer on his father’s side,) tell them a scrawny nobody who sings like
one of the Bee Gees on helium deserves to be the next American Idol, and
they’ll believe it. Tell them the A tickets at Disney World are worth
the price, and they’ll believe it. Tell them electronic voting machines
can’t possibly jerry-rig elections faster than a Haitian poll officer
with a pack of number two pencils, and they’ll believe it.
Landers: Gullible with a capital Gull.
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